29 April 2008

Found the post, woo-hoo! :)

What an amazingly packed weekend that was!

A shockingly early start on Saturday (well, 9am on a weekend is the crack of dawn for me) was wiped out by a jack-knifed lorry on the M4 - which meant I missed the pre-game pint (of Diet Coke) with the boys from the internet* that had sorted me out a ticket for the Spurs v Bolton match.

We missed the first five minutes due to turnstile spackness but managed to see a game that we should've won 10-0 but ended up drawing 1-1. That's four 1-1 draws on the trot. Pile'o'wank.

We have, however, bought one of Europe's finest prospects for an eye-watering £16m. I'm excited about next season now :)

After the match I met up with my Dad (who was also at the match) and introduced him to the (by now) drunken posse. I'm not sure that was an entirely good idea, but thankfully he left before the inevitable 'who can down the most pints in one without throwing up' contest ended with - shock! horror! - someone technicolour yawning all over the pub floor. Classy. :-S

One guy Tom had brought his brother to the match, having brought his girlfriend to the previous match. I'd got on well with Mrs. Tom (and we're all going for a drink in Oxford next weekend) and his brother was winding up the resident alcoholic-with-small-man-syndrome, so I felt justified in exclaiming to the world at large "Hey Tom, your girlfriend went down better than your brother!"

Um, let me re-phrase that......

Moving swiftly on, like a tramp in the alcohol-free wine section, I was back in Bristol and in a pub in town by ten pee-emm for an old university friend's birthday party.

I felt very old after catching up with some people I hadn't seen in 12 years. A few of the friends I actually keep in contact with were there so it was a good evening all in all. One fellow, whom we shall call B in all his sallow, unshaven glory, looked like either a) a heroin addict or b) an extra for Lost: Season 43. It turned out he was just addicted to WoW and rarely saw the sun. Scaaaaaaarrrrrr-rrrreeeeeeeeeeee.........

Despite everyone being drunk I was enjoying myself - and then we moved to some hideous 'Aussie' pub in the town centre playing the cheesiest tunes ever.

And then several things happened in a matter of minutes.

Several things that are currently in the fore-front of my memory.

Firstly, I'd switched to drinking Blackcurrant squash (I have a limit to the amount of Diet Coke I can drink) - or 'cordial' as it appears to be known nowadays. Having forced our way to the bar past seven or eight hen nights (yes, that sort of pub) we ordered a blackcurrant cordial alongside several beers.

I received one.

In a shot glass.

What. The. Fuck.

The questions "Can I have that with some water? In a pint glass? With some ice?" were met with a series of baffled stares (and the barmaid wasn't even Polish).

Clearly I'm not down with the kids enough to down my cordials neat. :(

Secondly, a good (and very drunk) friend decided to choose that bar to confide in me that he'd had twelve prostitutes in twelve nights while on a trip to Cuba. Hellll-ooo!?! Sober person here - you won't remember that but I will. I so didn't need to know that.

'Hi, is that Memory Wipes-R-Us? Could I book at booth for 8pm please? Oh, I don't know, the last week or so will do....'

Thirdly, three girls in the bar decided that I (for no reason that I could ascertain, but frankly I didn't care) should judge who did the sexiest dance. This involved lots of jiggling of little shorts in my face as they bent over.


Little Shorts.

For about an hour.

This is them:

Look at the little shorts! THE SHORTS! LOOK AT THEM! SHORTS!

I voted the one in the blue top. She looked like she could crack walnuts with a deft clench of her buttocks. They were all really nice and very funny - their boyfriends were lucky guys. Bastards :)

Sadly, not long after that everyone reacted to 'I'm a Barbie Girl' coming on with a non-ironic cheer. I said my goodbyes and left just before 1am.

And so to Sunday.

I'm struggling to think of what I'll get away with writing here, seeing as some of my guests for the day were token and Mr.C - both of whom read this.....

So let's see, I can't mention:

Fish Fingers
South America
Anyone from London
Why girls become vets
Bandy legs

I can probably relate a superb piece of
cock-blocking** that Mr.C and I executed. Apparently this was 'not funny'. I disagree - the 'kicked-puppy' look once it was realised that she'd run away was priceless, ha ha ha.

The poor girl, looking very much like she was watching a tennis match as the ball went from one side to the other, 'overheard' the following conversation between Mr. C and I:

"He's a nice chap token, isn't he?"
"Well, for someone from Plymouth."
"Yes, that goes without saying, but it's not like he lives there."
"Not after his wife left him no."
"Both wives, if you think about it."
"Well the second one was never going to last after she found out about the seven kids was it?"
"From 5 different mothers, of course"
"Such a shame about the restraining order" *shakes head slowly*
"I think that's what caused the breakdown"
"He only got a short stint in jail for breaching it though, so it wasn't all bad."
"Yeah, but that's where he picked up that STD."
"True. I heard it nearly fell off....."

Subtle? Moi? ;-)

Oh, I am allowed to mention token needing more cigarettes at 1am, so we found an all-night garage and stuck him in the queue while Mr. C and I flagged down a taxi. We were sitting there in the taxi waiting while token came staggering across the forecourt putting his change back in his wallet. He then attempt a nonchalant little flick of the wrist to snap his wallet shut (clearly thinking of himself as some sort of city trader or something). All this little flick did was spray about a kilogram of assorted coins all over the forecourt. It did get to a point when I felt required to point out that the waiting taxi was costing us more than the 5ps token was hunting down with the grace of a defecating rhino.

I could also recount how token dropped his cigarette and spent 5 minutes stood over it trying to work out how to bend down without falling over, but finally giving up and going for a piss on the BBC (in full view of several cars) instead.

Or how having finally herded the monkeys into my flat and gone to bed, I was woken at 4am when token, having left his room (with the door open and the light on) went to the toilet and then walked straight past his room and blundered into mine until I told him to bugger off, where he blundered into the living room and woke Mr. C up, before staggering into the only room left - that had its light on - and passing out again.

Or how I was also woken at 7am by the Knight Rider theme tune at ear-splitting volume as Mr. C had forgot to turn his alarm off and had left his phone in a bag directly outside my room. Thanks. For. That.

I so need sleep this week!

This was after the Alabama 3 gig and they'd been drinking for about 9 hours. I felt a small amount of evilness was fully justified.

It was also the last time I'll see hobbit and her bloke J before they emigrate to Melbourne next week. Good to see you both again and will see you for the cricket :) The first of the Ramesys crew to escape the country!

It was just a shame that the smokers*** wanting another drink in the pub garden over the road from the gig meant that we missed the start of it. Grrrrrrrr............

*The private forum for Spurs fans I'm a member of. This is less sinister than it sounds.
**And fully justified after the abuse I got from about 5 pints on. That and it would've been naughty, and I don't allow naughty (do as I say, not as I do.)
***Everyone but me.


At 29 April 2008 at 10:48, Anonymous token said...

The BBC? It never happened - I don't even know where that is. Anyway, I've seen their productions and they've been taking the p1ss for years...

What taxi? I'd never have got in one, you know they make me sick.

At 29 April 2008 at 10:58, Anonymous RM said...

The taxi with the sunglasses on the back seat!

At 29 April 2008 at 11:26, Anonymous token said...

Restart, not for quitters!
Antidepressants, aka beer.
Monkeys, possibly retarded
EVerything begins with it
Sick. Baby sick. Not sebum.
Yellow, see 'S' above
Shades, safely left in red squirrel's car.

At 29 April 2008 at 11:28, Anonymous RM said...

Ah why didn't we think about the other car!

I just upgraded the software on my phone - it formatted the disk. Damn - that was my A3 photos and videos gone :(

Since when does an upgrade wipe "everything" including contacts.

At 29 April 2008 at 11:31, Blogger Red Squirrel said...

You retarded monkey! They were good shots - I wanted some :(

At 29 April 2008 at 12:02, Anonymous token said...

No EVidence. How annoying.
No Knight Rider theme tune? Result.

At 29 April 2008 at 12:05, Blogger weenie said...

Sounds like a fun weekend but I'm still shocked at your abstinence! You deserve a medal!

At 29 April 2008 at 12:06, Anonymous token said...

Personally, I back EVerything up before an upgrade. Little trick I picked up when I was a software dEVeloper...

At 29 April 2008 at 12:28, Anonymous token said...

Weenie, he was so caring and protective of us, despite what you might have heard or read before.

He made sure that nobody messed with us at all because he wanted to do all the character assassination himself.

The only reason we didn't put any JD in his diet (oh lordy, the horror) coke was that it would have killed him. In a funny way. But he'd be dead. EVen though we'd have had the laugh of a lifetime (that being very short in his case).

At 29 April 2008 at 14:09, Blogger Red Squirrel said...

Keep it up token.

Karma bit you on the ass - don't go crying to your mummy now :)

Oh yeah - Layla said you were, and I quote, a 'nutter'. We did you a favour by chasing her away....

At 29 April 2008 at 23:00, Anonymous Newky United said...

Just trod in a puddle of stale vomit in a street outside a squirrel nest house.

Thanks. If you'd gone back we'd have know where Layla's house was hey?!

Least y'all had a good night out. Classeeeey!

At 30 April 2008 at 16:30, Blogger weenie said...

Weenie, he was so caring and protective of us

Will the real Red Squirrel please stand up?? ;-)

At 2 May 2008 at 20:51, Anonymous instant KORMa said...

Just to be abundantly clear about this, the funny side of hypothetically spiking the squirrel's drink would have been seeing him drunk for the first time in several months. Not the actual act of seeing him being physically ill and/or dying.

Coming soon - how to boil water.


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