09 May 2008

Things I don't understand pt. 1

Tits. Or rather, women who have said breasticles wearing something skimpy and bra-less and then bouncing down the road glaring at anyone looking at them. I can't help it - it's in my genes*. I'm supposed to be looking at them. My brain will be having a perfectly normal meander through the dark recesses in my head and then I'll spy some top bollocks approaching me on the pavement and my thought processes will go something like:

"So, I finish at 5, then pub for two hours, then food. So I reckon I have 5 hours to play GTA tonight, providing I don't...... TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTSSSSSSSS....... have an especially long lunch break after the meeting at 11am....."

The thing I truly don't understand here is that if said woman doesn't want men to stare at them, then why are they on display? It's like me driving a soft-top Ferrari down a street packed with pedestrians while blipping the throttle - and then swearing at anyone looking at my car. It makes no sense. Don't want them noticed = wear more than a postage stamp.

Having said that, it's the least of my worries at the moment. I'm in trouble at work, or rather, I think I'm in trouble at work. It turns out it was 'widely'** advertised that a group of EXTREMELY VERY IMPORTANT AND POWERFUL VISITORS from the premier Chinese scientific establishment were making a tour of the office this morning. And lo! it came to pass that at 11:19am a group of 6 very Chinese looking people were slowly ushered through the IT department with an ongoing commentary on what we do there*** provided by a slightly flustered looking PR lady.

As they passed by, the grandmotherly character amongst them stopped with an excited 'Ooooo!' right by my desk. I look up startled from my work (and with my headphones on I hadn't noticed them appear) as they all pointed at my latest diet coke can sculpture. Oh shit.

Now my current WIP is 4 cans high and 6 wide at the base (it's a Toltec Sun Temple actually - an admittedly ambitious project) so is fairly noticeable. It isn't - or so I thought - a tourist attraction. The Chinese delegation all beamed at me. A colleague snorted in laughter and I had to look away to avoid bursting into mildly hysterical laughter at what they did next.

Yes. That's right. They took a group photo of themselves next to a collection of empty diet coke cans. I swear one of them did the little thumbs-up gesture too. They then sauntered off admiring their work in the viewscreen on their digital camera, while the PR lady glared at me. This is going to go one of two ways - firstly that they think this is yet another delightful example of English eccentricity and I get away with it, secondly that this is a shocking example of indiscipline and they frown upon it which would mean me being 'canned'. I sincerely hoped my boss's boss was joking when he walked past later shaking his head and saying 'contract ended by diet coke, a real shame'. :-S


Still, fuck it. It was friday afternoon so we spent it trying to see who could come up with the best joke on an Austrian theme. Some unrepeatable crackers were heard! If it's one thing I like about this country is that we can laugh at anything. Unless we're scouse ;-P

And my X-Box has arrived with GTA4, so I'll see y'all in a couple of weeks :)

I'll leave you with a great summer track from my past. My first year at university in fact. She's got an awesome voice!

*Or in some cases, almost bursting out of them *chortle*
**As in they put it on the intranet. What kind of permabored crackhead reads the company intranet?
***I too would like to know this.

12 Comments:

At 10 May 2008 at 02:40, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Currently teenagers are finishing GTA4 in 18 hours (no food no sleep). A couple of weeks? Too much diet coke mate.

 
At 10 May 2008 at 11:03, Blogger Red Squirrel said...

Well teenagers always finish too early don't they? ;-)

 
At 10 May 2008 at 18:21, Blogger Nichola said...

You know what's even more annoying than random wobbly boobage attached to "Look at me don't look at me" burds?

Fat womenz with bingo wings who insist on wearing vest tops that expose their flobbly wobbly waists and muffin-tops.

Yeah. You think YOU'VE got it bad in your home town? Welcome to Scotland, land of the lardy ladies.

(Not me though. I are small).

 
At 10 May 2008 at 18:46, Blogger Red Squirrel said...

Try Middlesbrough - more rolls of fat on display than a french butchers.....

I taught my german brother-in-law the phrase/word 'bingo wings'. My sister now hates me :)

 
At 12 May 2008 at 12:19, Blogger weenie said...

Such women like to wear little strappy tops because for 11 out of 12 months in the year, said mammaries are strapped into girder-constructed bras and hidden under jumpers. Least you have something nice to look at. In the summer, we have to put up with men displaying chicken-white legs in scruffy old football shorts and white sports socks with everything (including sandals). Plus the hot weather will mean even more bollock-scratching than usual for us lucky gals to feast our eyes on.

 
At 12 May 2008 at 12:23, Blogger Nichola said...

Trust me - the women in my home town are far from 'nice to look at'. I'm talking bingo wings, muffin tops, more spare tires than Michelin and a stomach-churning waddle to their gait as opposed to a Marilyn Monroe-style wiggle.

My home town's overrun by fast food joints. Coincidence? I think not.

It wouldn't be so bad if they bought clothes that were the right size, but someone needs to tell them they're not a size ten any more.

 
At 12 May 2008 at 14:53, Blogger Red Squirrel said...

Weenie - I'm not objecting to strappy tops (far from it) just those women that wear them then glare at any man who dares to look at them.

Bollock scratching is not attractive? Bugger :(

 
At 12 May 2008 at 16:24, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Following the strappy tops conversation, maybe theres a special way we are meant to look at them?

And teenagers may finish too early, but then they start over and do it again...

 
At 12 May 2008 at 18:53, Blogger SG said...

i'm that tawdry chick; i've got the tits but i don't geddit either. then again when i wear something skimpy i smile, but hey, i ar stoopit American.

 
At 12 May 2008 at 20:43, Blogger Red Squirrel said...

Smiling is good SG. If some of the skimpily dressed students smiled in the morning then I'd be at work much, much later every day :)

 
At 13 May 2008 at 16:50, Blogger SG said...

yes, RS (you don't mind if i call you that, do you?), but then you wouldn't have had a Things I Don't Understand pt.1. or your pt. 2 would've been your pt. 1. or something. ;-)

whoa, it's like almost 18,00: time for another drink (i'm pacing myself cause i'm actually in the midst of a usability review and not the usual work). anyway, i so love how you Brits sell booze in places like sainsbury's; very convenient AFAIC.

 
At 13 May 2008 at 16:52, Blogger SG said...

it is most certainly not 16,50; my Mac's clock distinctly reads 17,50. just sayin'.

 

Post a Comment

<< Home