11 September 2008

Psychotic Cats and other good band names....

My cat is normal. Well, as normal as cats I talk to can be. Not that I talk to that many cats. Really.

Ok, let's start that again. My cat is normal for a cat. Yeah, he's a fat whiny animal but he's a predictable fat whiny animal.

The cat downstairs is mental. Properly mental. Even Britney Spears and Amy Whinehouse would nudge each other and point at this cat if it passed them by, whispering to 'wooooaaah, stay away from that psycho bitch - she's mental.'

She's called 'Olive'. 'Lizzie Borden' would've been more appropriate.

She's been known to run across a lit barbecue just to steal a sausage twice the size of her head, that she'll never eat because she's only just had a full meal.

A lit, flaming, barbecue.

Like I said - mental.

She also likes to come into my flat and steal my cat's food, which is annoying. I used to come home to find her curled up on my sofa while big fat Floyd cowered on top of the kitchen cabinets. Until the day I sprayed her in the face with the plant sprayer.

It was both the funniest and scariest thing I've ever seen. I lost a chunk of skin, a fair amount of blood and still bear the scars but her reaction was worth it. Something like the end of this. Plus she stopped coming into my flat and took to hiding under cars as I passed, hissing like a pantomime audience as the baddie comes on the stage. Things were good.

Last night however, I returned to the kitchen area from the office to a huge commotion as something shot away from the food bowl and hurtled under the kitchen cabinets. It was clearly Olive, because my kitchen cabinets were hissing and howling at me. I left her to it, assuming she'd just run away after a while, but an hour later and the growling was still coming from behind the fridge. I decided to speed things up, so removed one half of the strip along the bottom of the cabinet, donned an oven glove, and thrust my hand under the cabinet in the vicinity of the hissing.

I'd hoped to draw out a furry ball of fury, embedded onto the oven glove and busy ripping strips off it like a hungry Mike Tyson. Sadly Olive was schooled in the art of fighting by Muhammad Ali and she hung back, scoring good hits with her left jab. I withdrew.

I removed the other half of the strip under extreme hostile action and left a clear path to the stairs, but still no dice. It was time for Plan C.

The Plant Sprayer.

Hell yeah. I don't think I'll be seeing her bedraggled arse for a while :)

7 Comments:

At 12 September 2008 at 06:38, Blogger Gorilla Bananas said...

I reckon she needs a good seeing to from a tom.

 
At 12 September 2008 at 09:17, Blogger Unknown said...

I'm with Gorilla.

Totally ;)

 
At 12 September 2008 at 09:52, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Poor Olive. She sounds like my old neighbour's cat - nasty, vicious creature that would reject all offers of help by sinking her claws and teeth into any part of your anatomy in close proximity to her. I, too, had redress to a plant sprayer and when i could get her with the garden hose, I did.

Puss

 
At 12 September 2008 at 10:43, Blogger justme said...

Water pistols work too.........!

 
At 13 September 2008 at 17:02, Blogger Red Squirrel said...

gb - I think you're right. Any big cats at the safari park willing to offer their services?

IT - well you would be thinking that way :-P

puss - if I had a hose it would've been used for sure. Thankfully her owners were suggesting I spray her with water, I wouldn't need the extra hassle.

justme - welcome! Running around the kitchen with a super soaker would be fun but messy :)

 
At 16 September 2008 at 23:16, Blogger Nuvalostlamb said...

You know Olive will return evetually - you know why?

'Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen' - I should know got 2 cats, who pretty much worship the ground I walk on, even tho I spend most the time tellin em to get stuffed

 
At 17 September 2008 at 18:43, Blogger Red Squirrel said...

lamb - welcome! Oh, she'll be back because she's greedy and Floyd won't defend his territory. She's still hissing at me today though...

 

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