I don't particularly wish to talk about how I've now - after 15 years of attending international cricket matches in this country - seen England actually lose. I'd always managed to attend the days when we drew or won before. Curses!

No, what I wish to flabble about this evening are cornish pasties. Or rather Sainsbury's Bite size Pasties (presumably made in Lithuania rather than Cornwall). These buggers here:

They're very yummy indeed, however, eating them proves to be a whole new adventure.

Y'see, you take a bite - of reasonable proportions, nothing too fat-boy like - while understandably trying to get a bit of filling as well. What I mean to say is, you don't nibble at it. Unfortunately the pastry starts to crumble and split, forcing you into action.

Like a flash, your other hand whips up to catch any falling crumbs or filling - only it isn't enough, you feel the structural integrity ebbing away. So you do the only thing left, you re-open your mouth after your bite and try and nibble the disintegrating edge of the pasty, to add it (if you will) to the pasty party in your mouth.

Sadly, this only results in more splittage of the pastry casing, forcing more nibbles, and then more nibbles to hold the thing together. Finally you stem the tide.

Only now you've got half the damn thing in your gob and your cheeks are bulging in a cruel and twisted hamster impersonation. This is also the moment to discover that the pastry has the absorbent properties of a NASA-engineered sponge and has sucked up any saliva in your mouth instantly - resulting in you having to dry-swallow something the size of a cricket ball.

So in summary - Sainsbury's Bite size pasties = the tasty equivalent of an anti-personnel mine.


Still, was more fun than the cricket :(