I've developed a new condition while I've been up north visiting Nanny Rose (for 'tis her name - all my grandparents were named by my elder sister, I am utterly blameless this time) in hospital. I call it ITS, or Intermittent Tourette's Syndrome. My gran has been moved to a new ward because she was MRSA now, which means you have to wash your hands before entering and exiting the ward with this new Alcoholic Gel. Now, due to the side-effects of the topical steroids I was prescribed for childhood eczema, my skin on my hands is only 3/4 layers thick and I suffer from frequent small cuts and puncture wounds that generally heal quickly - but I always have a few. Dousing open wounds with neat alcohol really fucking stings. I mean *really* fucking stings. So I've suffered from ITS during my hospital visits this weekend.

I got up to Yarm by 9:30 on friday night and went for the customary few pints at the best local pub in Egglescliffe (northern names are stupid in a really cool way!). Had a nice lie-in before heading to the hospital for the first visit of the day ("Ah! Fucking Bastard! Christ! Arrghh!") where Nanny Rose was even worse than last time I saw her. She was unable to speak but did manage to squeeze my hand in recognition once. After that she passed out again and my uncle and I watched some of the England match until she woke up again, which she didn't within two hours so we went home to listen to the cricket and have a civilised afternoon nap. Back to the hospital by 7 ("Bugger! Tits! Wank!") where the poor girl was totally out of it and couldn't be woken. She's also on full oxygen but keeps taking her mask off in the few lucid moments she has. Back home for the customary take-away curry and a few pints at the usual and then an early night.

Today I popped into the hospital before the 300 mile journey back ("Ow! JESUS FUCKING WEPT!") but she didn't recognise me in the few moments she had her eyes open so I headed off home. I've just got back.

Fings wot I av lurnt teday:

1) England are still a bit shit at cricket.

2) It's hard, but still possible to do the crisp packet triangle while driving. Though it helps to have cruise-control as you need a spare knee.

3) Driving without air conditioning when it's really hot and sunny is unpleasant, and I was a bit gutted to find that mine was not functioning this weekend. Bloody Alfa's!


Oh, and one last thing. I made a post in Jan about Billingham (http://reluctantcontractor.blogspot.com/2006/01/slowest-day-ever.html) and it wasn't really a surprise to see that part of it blew up in the week - http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/tees/5035918.stm