11 May 2007

I'm seriously pissed off.

I'd like to blame it on the 4 and a half pints I had tonight but anyone who knows me knows that's bollocks. I can be 15 pints to the wind and I'm everyone's buddy.

It takes a lot to fuck me off. In fact, it takes a huge amount.

In the last ten years I've been angry three times. I get annoyed now and then, but never enough to make the blood boil. In fact, most of my mates say it's one of my best features that I'm relaxed and don't get arsey no matter how much I drink. The last time I did so was to a mate who came to mine for a 'smoke', got stoned and then became exceptionally aggressive towards me to the point that I snapped and started shouting back until he left. That was about 3 months ago.

The time before that was about 7 years ago when a girlfriend of one of my best mates calmly told me that she'd been sleeping with the boss of the restaurant I'd lined her up a job in and had happily served her boyfriend and I until 1am, then gone to a hotel to shag the boss senseless. That time I went to punch the steering wheel, missed, and shattered the dashboard of the hire car I was driving.

And the time before that was when Jenny, my last serious girlfriend, decided to split up with me. We talked about it and agreed to give it a month and if either of us felt the same way (this was after a two year relationship) then we'd part amicably at the end of that month. This wasn't enough so she slept with at least 3 (that I know of) of my old ex-school colleagues (and we were 22 by now) all of whom knew she was my girlfriend and didn't care. She contracted Hepatitis A, slept with me and gave it to me and in one of those quirks of fate had a day off work ill whereas I, through someone else actions, fell desperately ill, lost the use of half my liver permanently and developed glandular fever as a secondary complication.

Oh yeah, and when I bewilderingly phoned her up after my blood tests she dumped me.

I was rather upset.

The common theme amongst these three triggers is betrayal of trust. To me it's the lowest act a decent human being can sink to. I detest people who can happily betray another for personal gain.

So why am I thoroughly pissed off now, so much that I cannot sleep?

Because a friend of mine, someone I thought was a really nice person, has happily cheated with the partner of a close friend and the only reason they're not going at it like rabbits behind the friend's back is because they 'might get caught'. Maybe it's just the negative feelings such betrayal brings to the surface but I'm frankly disgusted that someone I considered a friend would do such a thing.

And now I'm back in that angry cocoon I was in ten years ago, feeling the same raw emotion, the same heart-stomping anguish I felt then. The same utter cycle of despair I became locked in, the one that meant I didn't think of a woman in a sexual way FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR (everyone at the company I first worked for after moving to Bristol to escape Jenny thought I was gay) and has meant that I have trust issues with women such that I'm still single to this day.

All of this because of something happening on the other side of the world to people I've never met and never will.

Maybe I'm just upset that I still can't sort the decent women from the bitches.

Or maybe I'm just in the grip of emotions I've not felt for a decade. Whatever it is, I'm very much upset, pissed off and irritable.

I'm going to try and sleep before I say something I regret.


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